Comiczar.com & Bruce! MacIntosh

Who Are We?... An Interview with the Interviewer

By Bruce! MacIntosh

Everyone on Earth knows who Bruce MacIntosh is: Award-winning author, celebrated comic artist, and writer of dozens of features for online comic news website, THE PULSE. But many people are unfamiliar with his origins and some of his behind-the-scenes work. We hope that this interview will shed some light on the inner workings of the intricate clockwork mechanism that is Bruce MacIntosh.

For the sake of brevity, I, the Interviewer, will be referred to in the shorthand I, for “Interviewer”, and the subject of the interview, Bruce MacIntosh, will be referred to in the shorthand, ME, as befitting of his “Meaningful Exposition”.

I: I always like to start at the beginning. Everyone knows that you are an award-winning author, celebrated comic artist, and writer of dozens features for online comic news website, THE PULSE, and fellow interviewer for comics magazines such as Back Issue. But few people know the true story of how it all began. So, where did it all start for you?

ME: That would be when I was born.

I: I guess I meant a little more recently.

ME: Ahhh, well, that’s a funny story. Would you like to hear it?

I: Um – that’s why I asked…

ME: I was born in Africa… and my real parents lost me in a shopping mall. A shame, really. But it turned out alright, because I was raised by kindly wolves…

I: Wolves? In Africa?

ME: And a bear. A kindly bear, who protected me from panthers…

I: That sounds a little like…

ME: Later on, I was found and taken to England and educated in the finest schools. I never really got the jungle out of my system, however, and I return there as often as possible to reconnect, to commune with my friends.

I: The wolves?

ME: And the bear.

Anyway, I grew up, wrote and drew some comics, and went to the University of Colorado. I was the youngest person to graduate with a dual degree in Astrophysics and Nuclear Engineering.

I: Astrophysics and Nuclear Engineering? Those are some heady fields of study. I wasn’t aware!

ME: Oh, yeah. I don’t like to make a big deal about it, but I really am a celebrated scientist. Google my name, and you’ll see all the great Astrophysics kinds of things I’ve done!

Did you know that I discovered that there’s a giant planet on the outskirts of our solar system that orbits the sun only once every 4000 years? I call it Niburu.

I: Impressive, I’m only aware of your work in the comics field.

ME: Sure, that’s what gives me the most satisfaction. But I have the career in Astrophysics, as well as my work with caring for the impoverished children of Guatemala.

I: Wow.

ME: Yes. I am very accomplished.

I: I’m just wondering how you found time to be an writer for best-selling magazines about comics, like Back Issue #15, #16, #20, #27 & #32?

ME: I squeeze it in. Did you know that I was the quarterback of the University of Colorado’s National Championship football team in 1990?

I: Really?

ME: I was then drafted by the Denver Broncos and led them to their two Super Bowl victories in 1998 and 1999. Then I retired.

I: From football.

ME: Right. I wanted to devote more time to my writing about comics.

I: A noble endeavor.

ME: And the astrophysics and impoverished-children things.

I: Of course. What is your relationship with Brad Meltzer, bestselling author of The Book of Fate?

ME: I’m his muse. No, really! I taught him everything I know about writing – when he was my apprentice, back in the early 90s. In spite of that, he’s still kind of a hack…

I: But his books…

ME: Oh, sure, they’re entertaining enough. But anyone can have a novel at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List at the same time as a comic at #1 on Diamond’s best-selling list. I’ve done it. Several times.

I: Well, let’s switch gears. You have been seen hobnobbing with celebrities like Kevin Smith and Jason Mews, and out on the town with starlets like Marina Sirtis and Rosario Dawson. Is there romance in the picture?

ME: No, no. Kevin Smith and I are just good friends.

I: Actually, I meant with Marina or Rosario.

ME: Oh. Well, the supermarket tabloids would have you believe that we got a thang going on, but I’m a devoted family man. And, I’m devoted to my writing about comics… and the astrophysics stuff. Truth is, chicks dig me. I guess when they hear that I have my own online feature about comics, they get stars in their eyes.

I: I can imagine. But you were recently in a movie with Kevin Smith and Rosario Dawson?

ME: Yes. I agreed to appear in a small part in Kevin’s latest, Clerks II – to give the movie some cred. They wanted to give me top billing, but I didn’t want to steal their thunder. So it was just a quick cameo… I whistle “Polly Wolly Doodle.”

I: Your hit song from when you were the fifth Beatle?

ME: Right. I was the Walrus. Then there was all that controversy when I disappeared to start a Watermelon farm in Wales: Everybody thought I was dead, because of the album covers and the lyrics. (They were actually "He grew his rind out on the farm.")

Anyway, even though I protested – Kevin still insisted on putting me in the opening credits of Clerks II.

I: He recently commented in Variety that your appearance single-handedly helped push Clerks II into the highest-grossing film of all time. And when the DVD was released last November 28, a hundred million copies sold on the first day.

ME: Well, that isn’t all because of me. I’m sure that Kevin, Jason, Rosario, and the rest of the cast turned in fine performances, too. I haven’t seen the movie, myself: Too busy with the comic writing… and the astrophysics thing.

I: Well, you’re a busy man. We should wrap up this interview. What’s next on the horizon for Bruce MacIntosh?

ME: Well, I’ve heard that I’m up for an Academy Award for my performance in CLERKS II. I suppose I’ll go to the ceremony and accept the Oscar. Truth is, with all my Pulitzers for my online features for THE PULSE and my articles in Back Issue magazine, I’m not sure I have space on the mantle for an Oscar!

I: (reverent laughter) And the Peabody awards!

ME: Yes, I have several of those, too. But I don’t like to brag. Oh, and there are only two degrees of separation between me and Kevin Bacon.

Anyway, of course, I will still be writing my online articles for THE PULSE – I can’t disappoint all my adoring fan!

I: Yes – you couldn’t do it all alone, could you? On that note, is there anyone you’d like to thank for your success?

ME: Not really.

Oh, wait… I guess I should. This is the appropriate point in the interview where I’m supposed to do that, right?

I: Usually.

ME: Let me think. Okay, besides my many adoring fan, I’d like to thank my wife and three adorable children. Kevin Smith, Jason Mews and Rosario Dawson. Michael Eury of Back Issue magazine and Jennifer Contino of THE PULSE. Marina Sirtis, Jewel Staite. Brad Meltzer, Billy Tucci, Chuck Rozanski and his wonderful family. Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez, Casey Jones and Jim Amash. Carmine Infantino, Gil Kane, Nick Cardy, Gene Colan and Neal Adams. Rudyard Kipling, Dennis O’Neil, Brian Azzarello, Gail Simone, Brian Bendis, Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray.

The planet Niburu, Zecharia Sitchin and the Oort Cloud. Kevin Bacon, the country of Guatemala, and that company that makes the hand-driers that you see in airport restrooms. Hugh Hefner, Cordell Stewart, Charles Johnson, Joe Sakic, Patrick Roy and John Elway. Al Gore, Al Franken, Al Feldstein and Al Jebrah.

The world’s largest ball of twine, the 1970 Ford Mustang, DuPont Chemical (for inventing Nylon), James Madison, John Locke, Voltaire, and Carl Jung. Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov, Edgar Rice-Burroughs and Lester Dent. The number 17…

I: We’re out of space…

ME: Oh. And the bear. I want to thank the bear.

(Note: A portion of the above interview was entirely non-fictional. Any similarity between the people mentioned herein and any living person was intentional. This story is copyrighted, and any unauthorized attempts to reproduce the contents would be amazing. If you thought it was funny or interesting, please give me money)




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